March 20, 2013: NO MORE

3/20/13

Many of you follow the stories of Little Mama. All is well with Little Mama. I want to share with you my struggles over the past week or so. Most of the time, I am thankful that we are able to care for my mom. Most of the time, I feel honored that we are able to care for someone that is completely dependent on us for all of her needs. I recognize that it is a humbling experience to have someone else bathe you, coax you to eat, tell you when to brush your teeth, and dispense your medicine. 

While most of the time I feel thankful and honored, occasionally I get really tired, angry, and resentful…angry that my life has changed so much…angry at local family/friends that never come to visit…resentful of childhood memories and situations that left scars, some wounds not completely healed. Lack of sleep and constantly pushing oneself and caring for another can leave one depleted and depressed. Feeling sorry for oneself. Unable to see the forest for the trees. Unable to pull out of the darkness. Total pity party. Earlier this week, I dissolved into a puddle of tears and exclaimed, “I cannot do this anymore…not one more day.”  I began to look for a way out. A place to put Little Mama. My pity party got momentarily better when I realized that we have no options. Then it got a whole lot worse when it really sunk in that we have no options. She has to remain with us. 

Now, please know that I am ashamed of these angry and resentful pity parties. I don’t like to feel yucky. I don’t like to be angry and resentful. It’s counter-productive. And I recognized that I could not get out of that pit by myself. We are talking stuck in the mud and sinking fast…sort of like quicksand. Fortunately, I have very trusted people that I talk to…people that will help me “get my head right” as my little granddaughter would say. My head is now right. So is my heart. I am back to normal…well, normal for me. Once again, I feel honored and thankful that Little Mama is here with us. Anger and resentment have dissipated. 

My purpose in sharing these weak moments is to provide reassurance to others that could be going through a similar situation… We are human. We get tired. AND there are ways to regain our strength. Talk with a trusted friend or professional. Journal your deepest thoughts and feelings. Spend a few minutes alone praying or reading. Go for a walk. Get some sunshine and fresh air. Put yourself in your loved one’s shoes, recognizing that he/she would not want to be in this position. Nobody would want to be completely dependent on others. As my trusted friend said, move yourself from the bottom of the list to near the top. I know that it is easier said than done. It’s not selfish…although sometimes it is difficult to figure out the logistics. What I’m trying to remember is that the oxygen mask has to go on me first. If I pass out, I can’t help her. That’s what the stewardess says!