Do you often wonder what you can do to help a friend or loved one that is ill or infirmed or a caregiver?  Someone recently asked me “Anything we can do?”  I realized that people are truly at a loss when helping a family with a disabled or ill family member. We are doubly at a loss!  Unless you have had that experience, you are likely limited in your understanding of what a day in the life of a caregiver is like.  I am equally unaccustomed to asking for help or even being able to articulate how others can help.  So, I described a little of our situation to this individual, which helped me to figure out what we need.  We need community and we need spiritual nourishment.  We must remain connected to those that we love and that love us – especially God!  I am confident that others in a similar or even worse situation need the same thing in varying degrees. 

In answer to the question “Anything we can do?”, here are a few suggestions:

• ·         Stop by for a visit, but please call first.  Chat about any topic. 
• ·         Offer to come over and visit with the patient so the caregiver can either get out of the house for a few minutes…or take a nap…or clean….or whatever else they need to do but can’t because they must sit RIGHT THERE with their loved one.
• ·         Send a “thinking of you” card.
• ·         Call.  Talk with the caregiver.  Talk with the patient.  The patient – if still able to talk – might not know who you are.  That’s okay.  The good feeling from getting a phone call from someone will remain for a while!  If they can’t talk anymore, that’s okay, too!  They can listen…..and feel good.
• ·         Pray.  Prayer is powerful.  Then send an email or a card to say, “I prayed for you and your loved one.”  Powerful.

Father's Day

Today is Father's Day.  It's a special day for me.  I was born on Father's Day.  My daddy died 19 years ago, and before he left this world, he wrote me a very special letter.  He asked me to take care of my mom.  He asked me to share with her some of my strength.  He spoke of his great love for her and the love that she was able to give to him.  So today, I honor both my dads.... my earthly father and my Heavenly Father.  I am doing my best to honor my earthly father by taking care of my mom the way he asked.  And I can do it only with the help of my Heavenly Father.  He is the one that gives me strength. He does that with giving me wonderful family and friends that provide respite time and a word of encouragement.  And I know that my daddy is spending this Father's Day in the presence of our Heavenly Father.  It gives me comfort to know that I will see them both one day.  Blessings to all on this special day!

Ten Absolutes

If you are a caregiver or know someone who is, perhaps you have read The Ten Absolutes.  They say:

Never argue, instead agree
Never reason, instead divert
Never shame, instead distract
Never lecture, instead reassure
Never say "remember", instead reminisce
Never say, "I told you...", instead repeat and regroup
Never say, "You can't!", instead find out what they CAN do
Never command or demand, instead ask and model
Never condescend, instead encourage and praise
Never force, instead reinforce

Agreed, this is something to strive for.  However, it is my opinion that it is easier to do this in an institutional setting.  In that setting, there are caregivers that have support and they get to go home after 8 to 10 hours.  When you are the primary caregiver and are with your loved one with dementia almost all of the time, this is an ideal.... something to strive for but rarely something achieved totally. 

We have tried reminiscing with my mom.  Macular degeneration has stolen her eyesight, so we are unable to look at pictures to reminisce.  So we have gotten her to talk about when she was a small child.  The LAST time that I did that, she didn't know where she was or who we were for 2 days.  She thought she was in her early childhood hometown.  She had a good time in her hometown! 

During that reminiscing session, I realized that her long-term memory is no longer intact.  She said that she and my dad moved to her hometown after they married.  Nope.  They never lived there.  So when I read that the experts say that their long-term memory remains intact, I know that there is an exception to the rule...and my mom is IT! 

So perhaps I'm weak.  Perhaps I'm lazy.  The Ten Absolutes are an ideal of perfection.  I don't know about you...but I don't live in a state of perfection.  Jesus Christ is the only perfect one.  And He has blessed us greatly with extra time with my mom.

Decision time

I have made a decision to place my mom in a facility.  There are some extenuating circumstances beyond my control that make this necessary.  Now comes the monumental task of finding the right fit for her.  Many questions to ask and have answered.

Do you make sure that she eats?
How do you handle minor illnesses?

There are many more....but it has been a long day and my brain is tired...and my eyes are crossing!  Feel free to offer suggestions on questions to ask.

Blessings,
Lisa

Strength

5/30/2013

It has been several weeks since I have been able to go to church.  And I have not taken the time to read my Bible regularly.  My strength and my patience have diminished correspondingly.  As soon as my mom goes to bed, I will be spending some quiet time with God.   I pray that He will provide for all of our needs.... my mom's and ours.  Just thinking about that time with Him makes me feel better.  Prayers of repentance, prayers of gratitude, and prayers for peace, comfort, guidance, strength, and wisdom.  Some of my favorite verses:

Phil 4:13:  I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.

Romans 8:28:  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Galations 5:22-23:  But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  Against such things there is no law. 

It is time to get on my knees.... 

Challenges

5/30/13

One of those weeks.  Challenging to say the least.  Tonight, I yelled at my Little Mama.  Not proud of it.  Not the right way to handle her. 

Not to make excuses…I don’t think that people realize just how difficult it is to take care of a family member who is also dementia patient.  It is one thing to work in a dementia facility.  In a facility, there are multiple caregivers that get to go home after an 8 or possibly 10 hour shift.  It is easier to control your mood when you know that you are going home in a few hours.  However, that’s not the way it is when they live with you.  What I keep trying to remember is that it is easier to have her living in our home than it is to have her in a facility.  Where she was before, we got regular phone calls because she complained of a some sort of pain…head, tummy, etc.  So it’s easier to just walk down the hall or across the room to tend to the current complaint rather than drive across town to take care of a situation. 

Little Mama gets fixated every evening on something different.  Sundowner’s is the cause.  For several days, she had to clear her throat.  So for about 4 hours, she was getting up every few minutes and going outside to “get this out of my throat.”  Back and forth. 

Yesterday, she said she was “sick”….just “sick”…. And couldn’t eat.  She had refused lunch, so I made sure she ate – even though she was not happy about it.  Once she ate, she felt much better.  Also yesterday, she told me to “call Hellon and have her come get me.”  Well, ya know….that’s a little tough.  Hellon died a long time ago.  The interesting thing about yesterday is that (1) she knew me; (2) she knew where she was; (3)  in my lifetime, Hellon never lived close enough to just come get her. 

Today, the constant complaint was “I need a dentist…I need to see Jack.”  Jack, my dad, died a long time ago.  “Jack can’t see you.” “The dentist is closed.” “We can’t do anything about it now.” Over and over.  She finally got frustrated and raised her voice at me:  “I. NEED. TO. SEE. A. DENTIST!”  That’s when I yelled.

“They” tell you to “take a time out if you feel yourself getting frustrated.”  And you should.  I should.  And I should not yell at her.  I apologized.  She said, “That’s okay.”  No, it really isn’t.  She doesn’t understand.  She would not and did not choose to be this way.

Her hurt feelings and overall negative feelings lingered for about 30 minutes.  She felt like she had done something wrong…but she didn’t know what it was.  My husband joked with her and – after a few jokes – she laughed. 

Her mood is fine now.  HOWEVER, she now needs to clear her throat….so we will do that for about an hour.  At least we are past the dentist issue and her wanting to call my daddy.  THIS time, I’m going to take a time out and not repeat my mistake.

5/28/13

This was one of those evenings that I need to try to remember how my mom was before dementia. She loved her grandbabies. She worked hard and put others first. She was perky and energetic and was quick to laugh. She loved to cook for others. She thought that it was extremely important to have a clean house. And she was so glad that my hubby loves me despite the fact that I'm not good at working AND keeping the house clean. Okay.... now I can smile again. 

5/26/13

Little Mama got out of bed about 15 minutes ago. She crept into the hallway, barely able to stand, asking for help. She wanted to go back to bed, but I led her into the great room to "her" chair. I thought perhaps it was just dehydration. For added uumph, I put some AdvoCare Spark in a bottle of water and helped her drink it through a straw. She is now sitting up, ready to get dressed, and feeling okay. Spark does have artificial sweetener (I was concerned about that) AND it is packed with vitamins. Glad to see that Little Mama is feeling better.

5/25/13

It's raining! We are sitting on the deck watching Devil Dog/Phoebe trying to catch raindrops.

5/24/13

Little Mama dressed herself for bed... She came out and said goodnight. Want to know what she had on? Pajama pants (good job!) and a pullover sweater. Whatever.... She at least did it herself and that helps her to feel "normal". 

5/23/13

We went to our sweet grand's preschool graduation tonight. Little Mama went with us. You know, dementia patients don't know how to whisper anymore....nor do they censor their comments. She was almost as entertaining as the kids! Little Mama thinks she is a guest tonight and said she has enjoyed being with us. At least she has had a good time. Overall, it was a good night.

5/22/13

Little Mama got me up about 10 minutes ago. All she can say is that she is "sick". I think she is nauseated.... She can't express herself well enough to really tell me what is wrong. No fever. No shortness of breath. Maybe it's a stomach virus. This is a lady that called 911 because she had diarrhea.... that was a very long time ago when she still lived alone in our home town. (I rubbed some peppermint oil on the soles of her feet and her wrists.  Seemed to help.)

5/21/13

Little Mama is about as passive-aggressive as they come. Struggled with her to get her to eat. Then when I told her she didn't have to eat any more, she began to eat. We have a 92 year old child on our hands. I'm not complaining.... just stating facts.  Later, we struggled to keep Little Mama from going to bed. Finally...when she said that she was going to have to get up and walk around...I told her to go ahead and go to bed. Know what??? She didn't want to anymore! We have a 2 year old in a 92 year old body....

5/19/13

Okay.... I opted for a little Blue Bell ice cream cup.... but I think it's gonna have to be wine. I would go for a walk if I could, but this takes 2 of us. She is now in the living room. I got her a small dish of orange sherbert. She looks at me and says with a quiver in her voice, "Will you come over here and sit by me? I need to know where I am." I explained that she is at home, she is safe, and she lives with Lisa and Kim. 

SOOOOOO..... 
Little Mama: "Where is home?" 
Lisa: "Shreveport, Louisiana" 
LM: "Nooooooo, it isn't!" 
LM: "Has any of my family been called?"
Lisa: "Yes."
LM: "Who in my family is here with me?"
Lisa: "Lisa and Kim"
LM: "Lisa and Kim?" looking right at me.... no recognition in her eyes.

Well, I thought everything was okay.... then she got up and went to the bathroom. She returns, walks toward us, shaking her finger at us, and says, "I need to know where I am." "At home." "My real home?" "Yes...your real home." By this time, I am laughing and covering my eyes. Stress reaction. She finally went back and sat down as directed. At this moment, she is sitting down, bending over at the waist, head down...and shaking her head back and forth.

Thirty seconds later….Oops.... here she comes!

Lisa: "WHAT??"
LM: "I need to know where I am."
Lisa: "What have we told you?" Yes....I know....this is totally incorrect per the experts.
LM: "Home."
Lisa: "Home is correct. You are at home. If you will go in your room, you will see that your furniture is in there. You are at home. Enough. Enough."
LM: "I am at home. Thank you."

With that, she sat down....for this minute anyway.

All I can say is.... I just wonder what's gonna happen in the future that I need to learn THIS much patience.

5/18/13

We had a really good couple of nights.  We entertained!  Two couples in two days.  Little Mama was a sweetheart!  She probably gets bored with just the two of us here.  We will have to have more people come…more often!

5/14/13

I've been thinking.... I know, I know....there is always trouble when I start thinking.  Anyway, I've been thinking.... we need to entertain more. We had some friends over for dinner Sunday evening. Little Mama was on her very best behavior, interjecting appropriately with her timing and her comments. Generic comments that make it appear that she knows exactly what is going on even if she doesn't. (Funny how those social graces remain intact for a while.) I think I'll make a calendar just for get-togethers! Not to brag, but both of us are good cooks (well, except for chicken n dumplins...I'm not so good at that). It’s time to start entertaining!

Did you find out where we are?

Did you find out where we are?  THAT sums up the level of Little Mama's confusion today.  She spent a large part of the day outside in the bright and beautiful sunshine.  THAT is supposed to help.  Not today.  She asked "Did you find out where we are" when Kim came inside shortly after she did.  We told her she was at home.  She said, "Okay, at least I'm with family.  Haha...I called y'all my family."  Uh, yeah...that's what we are!  But, see, at this moment, she didn't know who we were or where she was.

I was almost finished with preparing a late lunch/early supper.  Not more than 10 minutes later...I served the meal outside.  She was seated next to the door.  When I opened the door to serve the meal, she looked up at me and said, "Can I go with you?" in a somewhat frightened voice.  Ummm...... I'll be right back.  We are about to eat, I replied.  It took me just a couple of minutes to get my plate and get back outside.  When I stepped outside, she was beginning to cry.  Little Mama still didn't know who we were or where she was.  She was afraid because everything was unfamiliar.  When we told her that she is at home, she said in a firm, almost angry voice, "No, I am NOT at home."  By then, the tears had stopped.  She seemed to be a little better after she ate...but only for a short while.  At one point, she looked out into the yard and thought she saw a lot of people.  I guess the trees looked like people.  And the white iris looked like a man wearing a t-shirt.

All evening, we have had to be on our toes.  She was going to carry her ice cream bar into the bathroom with her and finish eating it in the bathroom.  When I suggested that she just put it down for now and eat it when she got back, she suddenly didn't need to go to the bathroom anymore.  She has been irritated by the dog playing with a toy.  Little Mama seemed to think that the dog had something of hers.

Most of all, she has been worried about phone calls.  When I returned from taking the dog for a walk, she asked, "Did you make a phone call?"  No...I didn't call anyone.  She looked puzzled.  I began to probe to find out what was going on in her brain...what she was concerned about.  She wanted to make sure that she paid for her phone call.  Apparently, she thought she had placed a phone call.  She said,  "I called Richard and them to let them know where I am."  She wants to make sure to pay for the call.   And just now, she pointed at the dog and said, "Is she who the phone call would be about?"  No...  (I am confused...I guess I'm in good company!)

I am hoping that she stays in bed tonight....but I'm not sure... The full moon was on April 25th.... I can't blame it on that...  I will be saying some big prayers tonight.

Root canals

What a day it was!  Little Mama had a root canal today at 9:30.  This is how it unfolded....

10:30 a.m.  Little Mama did great with the root canal. When I reached down to grab her hand to escort her out of the office, she held out her hand as if to greet me. She didn't recognize me. When we got in the car, she asked, "And how has your day been?". I asked her about her day and she said, "Fine...I've been at the doctor's." She's doing fine. 

3:00 p.m.  So Little Mama just said, "I am going to have to have an aspirin.... I think I'm trying to take a toothache. I am going to need to go see the dentist." NO memory of the root canal this morning. Zip. Nada. Zero. Wow....

3:30 p.m.  It's been about 30 minutes since I gave Little Mama two Tylenol.  In that short span of time, she has asked for an aspirin many times.  I told her to go outside and walk around...it might help with the anxiety.  She doesn't remember that I gave her something for pain.  She just knows that she is uncomfortable and I need to make it get better....NOW!  

8:45 p.m.  She is ready for bed.... dispensed her meds....helped her change into her pj's...helped her brush her teeth.  As she is drying her face from brushing her teeth, she said, "Won't you be glad when you don't have an old woman to take care of."  I ignored that.  I walked behind her into her bedroom.  She thanked me for staying here to help her get ready for bed.  She was surprised to hear that she lives here with Kim and me.  

Where am I?

Little Mama said good-night, made sure which direction to go to make it to her bedroom, walked safely into her bedroom and closed the door.  Soon, the door opened and she called out "Could somebody come help me please?"  She had her pajama top on and was unsure where she was and what she needed to do next.  I instructed to take off her shoes, her socks, her pants, and put her pajama pants on.  Then we went to her bathroom to brush her teeth.  All done, we hugged and she climbed into bed.  Maybe 2 minutes after I turned out her light and closed her door, her door flew open and she called out again, "I need some help!"  When I got to her room, I asked, "What do you need help with, Mama?"  She said, "I need to know where I am...if I'm in the right place."  I reassured her that she was in HER bed which is in HER room.  All is well.  She climbed back in bed and thanked me for helping her.  I love you's were exchanged and I closed the door once again.  Every now and then.... well, pretty often actually...things like this rip out my heart. When I'm with her, I act all tough.  It will only make things worse if she senses that I'm upset.  BUT can you imagine how scary it is for her?  I only THINK I'm off balance with her knowing me one minute and not the next.  It's REALLY off balance and scary and tough and a whole bunch of other adjectives that I probably don't even know or can't pronounce.  Say a prayer for her tonight...

The dog has a toothache....

Oh, Sweet Lord, I pray for a huge sense of humor. Little Mama just followed our Angel/Big Dog into the bathroom. That's where Angel goes when bad weather is on the way. Little Mama comes back out and says, "Do you have an aspirin? I need to give it to the dog. She has a toothache." Little Mama is the one with the toothache...she's having a root canal tomorrow morning. So when I gave Little Mama a couple of Tylenol, she didn't want to take it! She said, "It's NOT for me! It's for the dog! There's nothing wrong with me!" It's going to be a long couple of days.... just sayin'.

Zippers

I made the mistake of putting jeans on my mom this morning.  As usual, she has been to the bathroom a few times.  Each time, she comes out and says, "I can't button these pants".  I reply, "Don't worry about the button.  Just zip them."  And she says...ya ready for it?  She says, "Oh, I didn't know there was a zipper."  REALLY?  How did you go to the bathroom then, I'm asking myself.  She had to UNzip them to go.  Dementia is so strange.  I think it's gonna be a long day.....

The mouse on the shorts

This is Little Mama's latest attempt at folding clothes.  She does a great job with what she does.  She gets bored very quickly.  I got tickled at the added touch...the mouse on top of the clothes.  hehehe

THE DENTIST AND THE KNEE

Little Mama complained on Saturday and again yesterday that she thought she was about to "take a toothache."  She went to see her dentist today.  When they were finished, the dental assistant handed a note to me.  It read, "Has she complained about her knee?"  Umm.... no.... Little Mama did come out of the exam room, limping, complaining that "this big toe hurts".  I paid the bill and, as we were leaving, Little Mama asked "Did she say anything about my toe?"  "No, ma'am.... you are at the dentist.  She wouldn't know anything at all about your toe."  With that, we walked out to the car normally.  Not a limp.  Not a complaint about any of her 10 toes...nor was there a complaint about either of her knees.  Things that make ya go hmmmm....

Suck it up!

This evening, I left the room for about 3 minutes.  When I returned, Little Mama said, "There she is... I need to talk to you."  I sat down next to her and she said, "I need to give you all of my things...I don't have any use for it...I'm not going to need it." With that, her chin began to quiver and tears started to flow.  I reassured her that all was well.  She lives with us, and she IS using her things and so are we.  I explained that she is sleeping in her bed and all the furniture in her bedroom belongs to her.  She was comforted for about 30 seconds...and we went through it again.  The second time, she cried longer and harder than before.  Just sitting next to her and holding her hand seemed to help.  A few days ago, I began reading a book that is very helpful in dealing with the sadness...actually all of the emotions.  It's entitled Validation Techniques for Dementia Care.  It explains that the dementia patient is working through unfinished business...unresolved issues...when they express their concern or have strong emotions.  That helped me a lot, as I hate to see my Little Mama cry.  I will usually do what I can to escape when the tears start to flow.  This book helped me see that, although I can't fix it, I don't have to fear it.  Just being there, listening, and reassuring is enough.  To use a family term, it helped me "suck it up and deal."

The battle to stay awake!

OHHHHH..... Little Mama is angry.  Beginning about 30 minutes ago (6 p.m.), she has been trying to go to bed.  Sundowner's.  We have folded clothes....we rode the stationary bike...we went outside....we watched TV.  She got angry with the following:
Little Mama got up and said, "I'm going to check something...I'll be right back."  She came back and said, "I'm going back to my room."  I asked, "For what?"
Little Mama:  I'm going to bed.
Me:  No, ma'am, you aren't.
Little Mama:  Why not?!  It's empty!
Me:  Well, I know it's empty.  That's because it's not bedtime.
Little Mama:  What time is it?
Me (and Kim):  It's 6:00.
LM:  Are you sure?
Me:  Look outside....it's daylight.  It's not time to go to bed.  I tell you what.... let's go outside.
I handed her robe to her and said, "This will keep you warm..it's a little cool outside.  Going outside will wake you up.  You cannot go to sleep this early."
LM:  All right.  I'll go.

I opened the door for her and helped her outside and said, "I'll be out in just a second."  Know what she said?  "No, YOU stay inside.  I'm serious.  Don't you come out here.  You stay inside."  I replied, "Okay...I'll do that.... now YOU stay OUTSIDE."  She said, "I WILL."

So, she goes outside and mumbles to herself.  Hot under the collar.  She stayed outside about 3 minutes and came back inside.  She is now sitting in her chair, tight-jawed, still angry. BUT she is AWAKE!

Yes.... I handled this all wrong per the experts.... They say "redirect" and don't argue.  You can redirect only so much.  It's different in a facility where you have multiple caregivers and other residents to distract them.  Just doing the best we can. :)

GETTING DRESSED

I helped Little Mama get dressed this morning.  As we were putting on the finishing touches, she declared, "I don't know what I'd do without my mother."  Sweet.

April 17, 2013: JUMBLED UP

Well, Little Mama thinks that she is in a new facility. She hopes "they" like her here. I told her that everybody will love her. I asked her to tell me about herself. So the past history is all jumbled up. She lived with her family in a boarding house. She has a brother and a sister, mom and dad. She went to school in Standard Umsted, close to a little town called Shreveport. Nice church in Shreveport. Taught school. Second grade. All jumbled up!! ;)

4/16/13: LAUREL AND HARDY

So Little Mama called me into her room. She told me that she needed to change her unmentionables....my word...not hers. :) I took some clean clothes into her room and she took off her shoes, jeans, and uh hum...unmentionables. She turns her backside to me and says "Okay." Well, I am totally confused. I said, "What?" She pats her backside and said "The shot...you were going to give me a shot." "Um...NO, I wasn't." That began a very confused conversation about a shot, pain, and clothes. It was sort of like Laurel and Hardy with the Who's on first skit. SHEESH!!!

April 15, 2013: FORGIVEN

4/15/13

LM just went to bed. She kept apologizing. I couldn't figure out what she thought she had done and finally just said "You're forgiven...whatever it is...you are forgiven." So I tucked her in bed, turned out the light and closed the door. Then, I listened to her on the baby monitor. Here is what I heard... "Oh, the things I do and say... I'm so sorry. Lord, forgive me. Please forgive me, Lord. Now that's all I'm going to say. Go to sleep, Evelyn. Go to sleep. It's going to be okay." sniff, sniff I went back in there and gave her another hug and kiss and said another I love you. :(

The full Serenity Prayer

4/14/13

The Serenity Prayer

 The full text of the original "Serenity Prayer" written by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

 GOD, grant me the serenity

 to accept the things

 I cannot change,

 Courage to change the

 things I can, and the

 wisdom to know the difference.

 Living one day at a time;

 Enjoying one moment at a time;

 Accepting hardship as the

 pathway to peace.

 Taking, as He did, this

 sinful world as it is,

 not as I would have it.

 Trusting that He will make

 all things right if I

 surrender to His Will;

 That I may be reasonably happy

 in this life, and supremely

 happy with Him forever in

 the next. 

April 14, 2013: I'M NEW!

4/14/13

Little Mama says to Phoebe, "You don't know who this old lady is, do you! I'm new! You don't know me!" And Phoebe.... well, Phoebe is running around in circles and barking at a light on the ceiling. I'm gonna sit here, drink my coffee, and giggle at the chaos... after I breathe deeply a few times. ;)

Oh, help me Jesus....Communicating with a dementia patient is like learning a foreign language.

I think the biggest thing to get through my thick head is that I can't fix it. I can't change it. I can't make it better. I just have to accept it and roll with it. THAT goes against my natural tendencies. I am a fixer...a refiner...always striving to improve myself and a situation. Again.... I can't fix this. I have to repeat it over and over to myself.

April 13, 2013: CHICKEN

4/13/13

So there is one sock on the arm of the chair next to my mom. I'm gonna have to check it in a little while.... I think she is stuffing her chicken in there instead of eating it.

It's a good thing that my dear friend, Martha, just reminded me that Jesus is by my side. You know, God works in such wonderful way. My Little Mama walked over to me and said, "Well, I'm confused". I won't go into all the details...but it is difficult. God spoke through Martha just when I needed it.

Music....right ear bud only.... activates left brain and de-stresses and improves MY mood! It's a darn good thing. j/s

BTW, she did not put the chicken in the sock.

April 10, 2013: BEDTIME!

4/10/13

So I helped Little Mama get into bed, turned out her light and closed her door. I was in my comfy chair for about 5 minutes when I heard her yell my name. I jumped up and made it in there in a few steps....what do I find? Little Mama is on her hands and knees...crawling. I asked her what she was doing on the floor. She said she had gotten down there for something but wasn't able to tell me exactly what. She said she had not fallen and was not injured. I helped her up and put her back to bed with the admonition to STAY there. I told her she skeered me....sheesh!

Little Mama: What time is it? (spoken in a weak pitiful voice)
Me: 7:30 (look y'all.... it's 7:30 somewhere, okay?!) It was actually 8:30.
Little Mama: It's later than that, isn't it? (normal.... YES...normal voice)
Me: Nope. 7:30.
What can I say.... it works. It keeps her up long enough that she will sleep until 6:00. Ya gotta do whatcha gotta do. ;)

April 10, 2013: HER FIRST DAY!

4/10/13

Just got Little Mama dressed. She is enjoying coffee. We talked about it being a little dark. When I told her that it is going to be dreary today, she said It's not supposed to be dreary on my first day here! ;)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY #92!

Looking good at 92!!

EASTER SUNDAY 2013

The fruits of her labor!  She had a good time dying these eggs.  During the entire process, she kept asking the same question:  "How will I know when it's done?"  She thought the eggs were raw.  She held each egg over the bowl of dye and drenched it, spoonful by spoonful.  She even exclaimed "I enjoyed that!"

March 20, 2013: NO MORE

3/20/13

Many of you follow the stories of Little Mama. All is well with Little Mama. I want to share with you my struggles over the past week or so. Most of the time, I am thankful that we are able to care for my mom. Most of the time, I feel honored that we are able to care for someone that is completely dependent on us for all of her needs. I recognize that it is a humbling experience to have someone else bathe you, coax you to eat, tell you when to brush your teeth, and dispense your medicine. 

While most of the time I feel thankful and honored, occasionally I get really tired, angry, and resentful…angry that my life has changed so much…angry at local family/friends that never come to visit…resentful of childhood memories and situations that left scars, some wounds not completely healed. Lack of sleep and constantly pushing oneself and caring for another can leave one depleted and depressed. Feeling sorry for oneself. Unable to see the forest for the trees. Unable to pull out of the darkness. Total pity party. Earlier this week, I dissolved into a puddle of tears and exclaimed, “I cannot do this anymore…not one more day.”  I began to look for a way out. A place to put Little Mama. My pity party got momentarily better when I realized that we have no options. Then it got a whole lot worse when it really sunk in that we have no options. She has to remain with us. 

Now, please know that I am ashamed of these angry and resentful pity parties. I don’t like to feel yucky. I don’t like to be angry and resentful. It’s counter-productive. And I recognized that I could not get out of that pit by myself. We are talking stuck in the mud and sinking fast…sort of like quicksand. Fortunately, I have very trusted people that I talk to…people that will help me “get my head right” as my little granddaughter would say. My head is now right. So is my heart. I am back to normal…well, normal for me. Once again, I feel honored and thankful that Little Mama is here with us. Anger and resentment have dissipated. 

My purpose in sharing these weak moments is to provide reassurance to others that could be going through a similar situation… We are human. We get tired. AND there are ways to regain our strength. Talk with a trusted friend or professional. Journal your deepest thoughts and feelings. Spend a few minutes alone praying or reading. Go for a walk. Get some sunshine and fresh air. Put yourself in your loved one’s shoes, recognizing that he/she would not want to be in this position. Nobody would want to be completely dependent on others. As my trusted friend said, move yourself from the bottom of the list to near the top. I know that it is easier said than done. It’s not selfish…although sometimes it is difficult to figure out the logistics. What I’m trying to remember is that the oxygen mask has to go on me first. If I pass out, I can’t help her. That’s what the stewardess says!

Picture: MAMA SAID THERE'D BE DAYS LIKE THIS..

Little Mama was not happy all day.... 

February 23, 2013: After a refreshing shower!

Coffee tastes better after a refreshing shower!

February 23, 2013: HAVE A GOOD DAY!

2/23/13

I saw a poster that said "Have a good day! Wake up! Be Grateful....REPEAT!"  I needed this reminder today!

Little Mama was up at 11:00, 12:00, 1:30, 3:00. We are rethinking this coconut oil thing. If she is going back to the stage where she was before...and where we got very little sleep...maybe coconut oil isn't such a good thing! She has no memory of getting up so many times. I told her that the ONLY reason she is alive this morning is because I didn't want to go to prison for elder abuse. I have given her a shower and she is now sipping on her first cup of coffee. Have a good day! Wake up! Be grateful... REPEAT! :)

February 3, 2013: What NOT to do with a dementia patient!

2/3/13

The following is an example of what NOT to do with someone with dementia.

 Little Mama comes be-bopping into the great room, all smiles, and says brightly, "Good morning!" She is in her pj's and carrying her socks and shoes. I say "Good morning.... don't put on your socks and shoes. You aren't dressed." She says okay, sits down, and starts putting on her socks and shoes. I'm standing in the kitchen, quite a ways away, and tell her "Don't. put. your. socks. and. shoes. on. You. aren't. dressed." "Okay," she says...and continues to put her socks and shoes on. At this point, I walk over there and say, "Take 'em off." "Huh?" "Take 'em off....you aren't dressed yet." She begins to take off her socks and shoes, looks up at me and says, "You sure are bossy!" ROFL.... "Yes, I am! And I got it from YOU!" She popped me on the butt... lol

 She is now all dressed, complete with socks and shoes!

 Have a beautiful day, enjoy this gorgeous sunshine, and say thank you to our Lord and Savior. :)

February 1, 2013: CAN YOU FILL THIS NEED?

2/1/13

So, I've been thinking.... My family is not the only family in this area that is a multi-generational household that includes someone with dementia. We need a day facility for dementia patients....one that has meaningful activities. Not Tiddly Winks. Activites such as gardening, music, dance, storytelling, audiobooks, dominoes, cards, puzzles, and more. A large family style kitchen where the "patients" can pitch in...fold napkins, sort silverware, set the tables, help prepare the meal. Filled with natural light. A secure outdoor area with benches and tables...places to sit and listen to the birds and look at the flowers. Someone out there has the resources to open a facility in Shreveport-Bossier. Is it you? Is it someone you know?

January 22, 2013: Sleep at last

1/22/13

So Little Mama is sleeping At 3:00, she was UP.... she had no idea where she was. She kept saying she was in the wrong place. She asked me to help her. She had no idea who I was. Shoot...she didn't know who she was. She asked me not to leave her. I reassured, explained, ordered, prayed, held her hand and stroked her hair. Perhaps I should have changed the order and prayed first! Finally, calm...or perhaps sheer exhaustion. I am sitting in her room, listening to the sound of her breathing as she sleeps. I am so glad that she finally calmed down enough to sleep.

January 5, 2013: HOW HAS YOUR DAY BEEN?

1/5/13

I have been sitting next to my mom ALL day. I went into the kitchen (totally open floor plan), right back to the couch, and Little Mama says, "And how has your day been?" Oh me, oh my. I couldn't help myself...and I said, "Ummm.... now I have been sitting here with you all day long, so I would think you would know how my day has been. So I will ask you.... How has YOUR day been?" Know what she said?? "I guess it's been a lot like yours! giggle, giggle" Still pretty sharp, despite dementia. :)

January 16, 2013: "JUST BE WITH ME, LORD"

1/17/13

Tonight was pivotal.  I am humbled….in awe… I witnessed a childlike faith.  And realized just how honored I am to be in the position of caring for my mom.  Over the past year, there have been so many times that I have wondered why…that I have felt at the end of my rope…tired, frustrated, angry, grief-stricken…and now – blessed…honored. 

At 2:19 a.m., I am awakened by the light that shines through the panes of my bedroom door overlooking the patio.  The light is coming from the living room.   “Oh, no,” I think… “She’s up.”  It’s just a few short steps into the living room.  There sits my mom in her chair…. A big chair and a half.  She is dressed…. Green turtleneck sweater and blue jeans.  Her jeans are rolled up because she is so short now.  Even shorter than she was when I was a child due to osteoporosis.  When she sees me, she says brightly, “Good morning!”  Well, now…. I am not feeling too bright at 2:19 a.m.  I’m wanting to still be asleep.  So, I say, “It’s not morning.  It’s bedtime.  Let’s go to bed.”  She is very compliant.  She arises from her chair and asks, “Which way do I go?  This way?”, she points down the hallway in the direction of her bedroom.   “Yes, ma’am…that’s it.”  I walk her to her bedroom and get her to undress and put her pj’s back on, instructing her with each article of clothing.  She apologizes three times… three times…Significant, though I didn’t realize the significance until I type this.  She asks, “Now what do I do?  Get in bed?”  “Yes, ma’am…that is what you do in the middle of the night…you go to bed and sleep.”  I give her a hug, tell her goodnight and instruct her to not get back up…and I tell her that I love her. 

As I’m walking down the hallway back to my bedroom, I hear her talking.  Curious, I backtrack and stand in front of her door to listen and this is what I hear… “I don’t know what I’m doing.  No, I don’t.  Just be with me, Lord.  Be with me.”  Do you see it?  Do you feel it?  What we have witnessed is something holy.  A childlike faith.  Here is a lady that was once independent – sometimes sweet, sometimes fiery.  Her personality hasn’t changed much.  Only her circumstances.  She is now totally dependent on others – dependent like a child.  Surrendering to God…trusting God to get her through this confusing and scary time. 

I am humbled…and blessed….honored.  Honored to be her daughter.  Honored to take care of her.  Humbled, sorrowful, and repentant, remembering all the times that I have been frustrated and thought why me…all the times that I have been angry for various reasons about the situation.  This moment, I understand that I have been blessed.  I get to witness true faith in action.  Jesus says that we are to become like little children in order to enter the kingdom of heaven.  Fully trusting in him.  I know that He has answered her heartfelt simple prayer and He is with her.  I envision angels watching over her.  A holy moment of answered prayer.

I’m not sure that I am properly explaining the depth of this moment…if you see it…if you feel it.  But this was a God moment…a moment of surrender…a moment of trust… a powerful, precious moment between a childlike woman and our Lord. 

May your day be blessed.My little mama has moved back in with us. Life's good.... no.... Life's great! Blessings to all!My little mama has moved back in with us. Life's good.... no.... Life's great! Blessings to all!